I joined a hot yoga studio a year ago and this is all I do now. Pranayama deep breathing Literally on the second breath: I can’t do this I want to go home I just don’t have it today. Half moon pose Is class over? This posture has been going on for like an hour. Hands to feet pose Oh man, I am really killing this one today. I think I have my legs all the way straight this time, I can feel it, they are a ruler! Glances at side mirror. Ok that’s like a 90 degree bend, never mind. Awkward pose Soooo, it’s called awkward because this is when someone always farts, right? And if that someone is ever me I am never setting foot in this studio again. Eagle I know I need to move one hip up and the other one back, but if the instructor looks directly at me and says so I will fall out of this pose immediately. I like instructors who say “party time” during the post-eagle water break. Standing head to knee I know yoga isn’t about vanity, and I am supposed to be looking at my locked out leg in the mirror but my shoulders look amazing in this posture. How can I lowkey remain in this position at all times? Standing bow If I look anywhere other than straight ahead, I will fall, so I’m just going to assume I look exactly like a music box dancer from the side. Balancing stick This one is really fast, and the next one is kind of easy, and there are only a couple more standing postures after that, and then the entire floor series after that, so we’re basically done. Standing separate leg stretching They should call this one the waterfall because all I can hear is everyone’s sweat dripping onto their mat right now. Triangle I could do this every day for the rest of my life and still feel like I’m doing something wrong. Standing separate leg head to knee I am sweating into my nose and I feel like I’m trying to breathe through the back of my neck. Tree “Bring both hand together to your chest only if your foot stays without slipping.” Lolol this will never happen. Toe stand Please nobody look at me right now because I am definitely not getting out of this position the way I got in. Savasana Some instructors say this is the hardest posture of all. I don’t want to brag, but I could easily hold this for the entire 90 minutes. Wind removing pose For the longest time I wondered where the name of this posture came from. I thought maybe from the side your bent knee looks like a little sailboat or a weather vane or something. Then one day an instructor called it “gas removing pose.” Ohhhhhh. Spine strengthening series I am commando crawling through the desert, why does it matter how straight my legs are right now? Fixed firm Can we just stay like this for the rest of class? I might actually fall asleep here. Half tortoise My face is on the towel I’ve been sweating on for the past 75 minutes and you’re telling me to inhale through my nose. Camel I will give you 52 million dollars to turn the fan on right now. Rabbit “If your feet are a little sweaty, use the corners of your towel for a drier grip.” WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE WHO AREN’T SWEATY Savasana after rabbit Mentally calculating what’s left of class to the tune of Shake Your Booty by KC & Sunshine Band: Stretch stretch stretch, stretch stretch stretch, twist twist breathing, one more breathing. (PS I am old.) Head to knee pose with stretching You know what would feel good right now? Spine twist At my studio they have you turn sideways so you can see yourself in the front mirror for this posture. I assume this is in case you’ve ever wondered what you would look like if you just naturally had Dynasty-style shoulder pads. Kapalbhati breathing If on my 60th birthday someone demands that I blow out every candle on the cake individually, I will be so ready. Final savasana Can you marry a ceiling fan? Asking for a friend.